Why Can’t I Be Like Her? The Comparison Trap and 5 Ways to Break Free

Do you ever look at others and catch yourself wishing you looked or performed more like them? If you do, you’re not alone! Many (if not most) of us are dealing with feelings of inadequacy and have difficulties accepting our bodies. But there is a way out!

Today, we want to share some essential strategies to break free of the cycle of comparison and embrace and appreciate your own unique journey in fitness and health.

It’s a Trap!

Let’s talk about a friend of ours that had never worked out on a regular basis before. She then got into running and found herself enjoying it enough to take a leap and sign up for a half marathon. After completing the race, she felt a rush of joy and feelings of accomplishment like never before. 

Unfortunately, the high was short-lived. She started to look at other runners on the road that were going at a faster pace than her. She followed running-Influencers on Instagram that seemed to breeze through half-marathon distances on a weekly basis. Quickly, what was meant to be inspiring turned into a toxic source of envy and self-doubt. Why wasn’t she as fast, healthy, and toned as them?

What happened to her probably sounds familiar to many of us, right? And that’s perfectly natural! Wanting to improve ourselves is deeply rooted in human nature. And we use comparison as fuel.

The psychologist Leon Festinger explored this in the 1950s and called it the “social comparison theory”. As humans, we focus on others that we perceive as being on the same level as us (he calls it the “relevant peer group”) and use them as a measure for our own progression and success [1].

While in the past our relevant peer group was made up of people we knew from work, clubs or other parts of our immediate social circle, modern technology and social media opened Pandora’s box [2]. At the tip of your fingers, you have an endless stream of influences that can make you feel like you’re never measuring up - you’re never “good enough”. But it’s time to shift that perspective.

Here are five strategies to help you stop the comparison cycle and start appreciating your unique journey!

1. Actions Over Outcomes

If you focus on outcomes like your body looking a certain way, or lifting specific weights because you saw others hit them with ease, you can quickly become crushingly disappointed - especially if you set yourself time limits to get there. The reason is that these goals often lie outside of your direct control (aka “life gets in the way”). 

Once you shift your focus on yourself and prioritise smaller, more realistically achievable actions that ultimately lead to these goals, things change. Examples of this would include adding vegetables to every meal, going to the gym three times a week, or getting at least 7 hours of sleep per night. These goals, based on habits, will help you build consistency in your health and fitness journey and give you a daily sense of achievement, all while slowly getting you to where you want to be.

Measure success in actions and habits instead of outcomes. 

2. Identify and Avoid Triggers

While it’s always been human nature to compare yourself to others, nowadays, it’s harder than ever to escape this comparison trap. Our social lives are deeply interconnected, and friends, family, partners and influencers regularly post their highlights on social media. Once you recognise what triggers you, you have done a first step towards managing those triggers.

Have an honest conversation with yourself and ask: Is this actually motivating me, or does it spark envy and self-doubt? Then, set boundaries to protect your mental health and take a break from the things that have a negative influence on you. This might be unfollowing certain profiles on social media, changing to a less competitive gym class or even dropping out from a competition.

Create space to focus on your personal goals rather than external benchmarks.  

3. Curate a Positive Environment

This point goes hand in hand with the advice we just shared, as social media and certain communities are a double-edged sword. While we spoke about the negative aspects where certain environments trigger feelings of being inadequate, we also have to recognise the potential of communities to inspire and empower us. You can curate a positive environment for yourself by following accounts and joining clubs that promote a healthy, balanced perspective on fitness and wellness. This could be shared values, or those focusing on the joy of movement rather than physical appearance or hitting certain targets. 

Make your environment a source of positive inspiration without the shadow of comparison.

4. Embrace Real Connections

Instead of being a passive bystander that is watching other people’s lives through a lens of perfection, you should spend more time on actively building connections. Having true and honest conversations about your struggles, negative feelings, but also your hopes and wins can be incredibly liberating and empowering. You can have these conversations with friends, support groups, or even more anonymously through social media. Meeting empathy and having understanding connections reminds us that we are not alone and can provide us with a network that supports authenticity over perfection. 

Replace comparison with community.

5. Perspective through Gratitude

It might not be for everyone, but gratitude and journaling can be incredibly powerful tools to help escape the spiral of comparison. I can help you to refocus your attention on what you appreciate about yourself and your life - making you see beyond purely physical aspects. Reflect on how your body has enabled you to experience joy, overcome challenges and achieve goals in the past. Practise this daily to replace envy with nourishing a healthy relationship with your body.  

Shift your focus from comparison to appreciation.

Final Thoughts

Breaking free from body comparison and a focus on external validation is a journey in itself. It requires fundamental mindset and habit shifts, along with a great amount of self-compassion, accompanied by internal growth. The strategies we shared in this article can help you to build a healthier relationship with your body, celebrating progress, resilience and personal uniqueness. Remember that you’re not in this to be “as good as” or “better than” - you’re in this for yourself, your health and wellness, and the beauty of your individual journey.

Sources

[1] Festinger L. A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations. 1954;7(2):117-140.